Rochester Young Professionals and Barrel of Dolls

Once upon a time, I was dating an alcoholic who liked to do what he called networking at several local bars.  He had a particular fondness for  RYP events.  For those of you not from Rochester, RYP is Rochester Young Professionals. Perhaps if you live in some other mid-size city you have a similar group.  I am not exactly clear on what the criteria is for being either young or a professional and apparently neither do a good portion of the event attendees.  I mean at some point aren’t you just a professional?  If you’re married, in your 40s own a large suburban home and have kids how about you’re just a fucking grown up?  Just because you do yoga and wear expensive jeans doesn’t make you young.  Mutton dressed up as lamb as my mother says.

Here are the different kinds of people you will meet at RYP:

40 somethings previously mentioned who want to think they are still young and not suburban parents.

Sloppy fat chicks who shop at store that sell shiny ill-fitting blouses (Bon Ton*, JC Penney, Kohls) and spend hours on their hair and heavy makeup application and no time on exfoliating their feet or elbows.  They probably think they are artists, journalists, writers, or real estate agents.

shine just makes me feel like a sophisticated businesswoman

Go Getter Sex and the City cupcake lovers who also wear too much makeup but it’s more expensive and they are thinner or know how to hide their chunky thighs better.  They probably work in marketing whatever the fuck that means.  Just about every idiot I meet who I wonder how the fuck they got a college degree works in ‘marketing’ or ‘sales’.

Dudes trying to bang whichever of these categories will have them.  They are not too picky.

Did you know that networking actually means getting drunk and trying to dick the  sloppy figured Bon Ton fans?  I didn’t either because when I hear the word ‘networking’ I immediately think ‘captain asshat doucheface boring’.  So I never concerned myself with what went on at these events.   Never until that fateful day when this particular alcoholic took me and his BFF to one at Divorcefields. (now called something else and never actually called Divorcefields, but it will change again in 4 months so who the fuck cares)

He was always talking about them and attending them so on this particular day with the promise of free vodka I went along.  There was an orange girl who was overweight had been so busy scouring the plus size clearance rack at the Bon Ton that she didn’t have time to exfoliate her feet.  She had an ugly but less fat  friend with her. I think they were art dealers or maybe worked at a real estate agency or bank or the local newspaper.  It’s hard to remember. I do remember one had stupid earrings.  They both had business cards.  Next I met some actual young software nerds who the alcoholic was attempting to teach how to pick up ladies.  It was not going well as he had apparently been coaching them at every RYP event  for several months now and they were still only talking to each other.  Perhaps they had the right idea because if I had a dick I would have kept it far away from all the females there except myself and the one I came with.  She was a little pudgy but cute and smart.  When this cute pudger and I went to the ladies room, the  restaurant manager followed us. I had met him a few weeks prior to this and he hugged me in a rather inappropriate manner.  This evening he was trying to kiss my friend and I.  I guess that is what you have to expect from drunk restaurant managers who host RYP events.  It’s a fact most restaurant employees are alcoholic coke addicts.  This one was also Mexican.

When we returned from peeing and being groped again on our way back to the patio we found that our alcoholic friend had found his ex girlfriend and they were having a heated argument.  This young lady was a waitress and the alcoholic was unemployed but always working on a new make it rich scheme.  I suppose that is my next question after how old can you be and still be a young professional – don’t you have to have some sort of professional employment?

After some more networking vodka he had given his business cards for no business to enough people and we headed to Barrel of Dolls where the real pros are.  I gave $5 to the saggy titted stripper named Athena.  Like every other stripper I have ever conversed with she was in nursing school,. had a kid with a deadbeat, and was planning to move in with someone she met on myspace who lived in the next county and she had not met in person.

pretty much what you get at barrel of dolls sometimes they are a little thinner & pregnant

*When I first starting drafting this piece I sited Bon Ton as the shit department store these ladies shop at. I went to the event 2 years ago so that is still accurate, but it was just announced this week that the 3 Bon Ton stores in the Rochester, NY area will be closing.  It has caused quite an uproar on twitter.  I guess because no one knows where they’ll get their spiffy new duds before the next RYP mixer.