A Terrible Day


I was almost out of cat food except for the kind SheenyII hates so I had to go to Target. I also recently started a new thing called I’m not washing dishes so I can only eat food on paper towels with my hands. This made Taco Bell one of my favorite restaurants in this unspecified city I am in the obvious choice. I’d been craving the new and thrilling Crunch Wrap Sliders all week.

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At Target there was a hipster man in front of me in line. He pretended I don’t exist and did not put the grocery separator down. The cashier had to shove one towards me and my cat food because this man with a beard, a cardboard wallet, and a stupid denim jacket couldn’t be bothered. My trip through the checkout improved after he left and I realized that my new debit card doesn’t have one of those shit awful chips that beeps and if I worked at Target I’d lose my mind in less than ten minutes because I could hardly even stand buying cat food and shampoo with my M&T card. A second highlight of my trip to Target was that ice cream was a dollar cheaper than the Satanic Grocery Store I am forced to shop at most of the time. Did you know Target has exclusive Ben and Jerry’s flavors? Another part of my Target experience involved purchasing a bag of Fritos which seems like a really boring item that tastes mediocre but will play a major role later in my evening.

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On my way out of Target, I had another run-in with the stupid hipster man. He turned left without a signal. He had a super lame car like a girl would drive too. What a bitch.

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I was very excited to go to Taco Bell. I was going to do something revolutionary. As all my real friends know, my standard Taco Bell order 95% of the time is three Soft Taco Supremes. The other 5% of the time I sub out one of the Soft Taco Supremes and end up super disappointed. That is until my last trip to Taco Bell when I got two Soft Taco Supremes and a Beefy Nacho Crunch Wrap Slider.

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Tonight was going to be a big moment. I was going to get three Crunch Wrap Sliders and Zero Soft Taco Supremes. My order started off fine. Then suddenly after I’d ordered two New! Chicken Sriracha Crunch Wrap Sliders, the order taker told me there were no Fritos and did I still want my Crunch Wrap Sliders. I thought I did and finished my order. What a cruel twist for the employees of Taco Bell who were Frito-less that in my car I had a fresh bag of Fritos.

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I wonder what level of authorization would have been needed for an employee to go to the grocery store literally a block away and purchase Fritos. Can Taco Bell only use special Taco Bell Fritos? Can a manager go to the store and buy Fritos? Apparently not, but it’s worth looking into.

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I got home and found out that without the Frito Crunch of the Crunch Wrap Sliders that Crunch Wrap Sliders are fairly disappointing. They are basically just a soft taco wrapped like a pentagon. For some reason I thought there were two sources of crunch. I thought there was a hard taco shell underneath the soft taco wrapping and to be honest, I didn’t even realize the last time I ate a Crunch Wrap Slider that it was full of Fritos. Lesson learned, Sheeny: don’t order Crunch Wrap Sliders if Taco Bell is out of Fritos. Or, only order Soft Taco Supremes. Oh yeah, I also ordered a shredded chicken Soft Taco Supreme and it was not that great. I will stick with the original recipe from now on. Now I am two pounds heavier and my Crunch Wrap Slider craving has not been satisfied.

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This post is dedicated in memory of Jeremy who loved cat food and plastic bags.


Why does Vin Diesel Exist


I wasn’t going to write this post, but then Vin Diesel was mentioned on my tv again and worse yet it was a commercial during a football game and why don’t more people just watch Newhart marathons on Sunday instead of football and I was so mad (about Vin Diesel).

The other day I was watching a movie called Furious 7. It was truly terrible. Vin Diesel was talking and his voice makes me ill. I was like why is Vin Diesel talking and why didn’t he explode like his house and The Rock.

I really don’t even know where to begin because I’m having several issues. Like Furious 7 is such a departure from the original Fast and Furious that it’s not even the same series. Second issue is that Vin Diesel is stupid.

I hope this doesn’t ruin the plot for anyone, but at the end there’s a beautiful soft focus memory of Vin Diesel getting married in a tank top. I am glad I’ve never been married because what if my husband showed up at the church in a tank top. I know I’m jewish, but temples are always so ugly and modern I definitely wouldn’t want to get married in one. Vin Diesel was maybe on the beach in his wedding tank top, but still, it’s really not cool. I would re-watch the  scene for factual accuracy, but I don’t know how to play movies on the tv.

I am very upset with the direction The Fast and the Furious is taking lately. I come into the living room and Vin Diesel’s house is getting blown up and then The Rock is in the hospital and everyone is a cop and Jason Statham one of the top five sexiest actors alive is the bad guy. I can’t accept a movie where Jason Statham is the bad guy. Also what is going on? They are cops or military or some shit? I thought everyone was just in it to have a good time driving some fast cars and listening to Ludacris. I do not like this movie at all. I don’t know why Nikki Munson is in the Dominican Repbublic and why she would tell Vin Diesel she is pregnant and now Paul Walker is dead FOR REAL and he’ll never know.

 

Also this movie is called Furious 7 like ugh just make a new series this is not the same movie. I hate Vin Diesel. Who do I hate more? Vin Diesel or The Rock? Vin Diesel for sure. He’s the absolute worst and I’m going to puke up my tofu. He’s wearing a giant lady necklace. WHYYYYYYYY. OMG I CAN’T STOP HEARING HIS AWFUL PHLEGM VOICE. Why are cops solving crimes by driving high performance racing vehicles? What is happening.
OMG now Vin Diesel is talking again. If they hadn’t taken that car out of the penthouse I would have lost my mind. (this was live commentary during the movie)

Things that were good about this movie: the girl with the nice hair from Game of Thrones.


PHISH HATES YOU


Today is a very exciting day in Rochester. Rochester is the #hypest city ever and what do they love more, Football or Katy Perry? I really can’t decide. One thing is for sure and that is Katy Perry loves her fans and Phish hates theirs you fucking suckers.

In case you haven’t heard of the band Phish (which, sit down for the alarming revelation, phish fans: most people haven’t). Their fans are fans of quitting their jobs or never having jobs or having imaginary jobs because when PHISH decides it’s time for a tour, that’s it. Nothing else matters except dancing to cool phish songs and doing as much* of all the druggsz as possible so you never stop dancing to the beautiful tunes.

Dedicated Katy Perry fans from mid-level Roc suburb, Irondequoit (a slightly more puerto rican version of greece, NY) dressed up in outfits and submitted entries in a contest to win tickets to see her perform at the superbowl in arizona. 19 people from Rochester won and they all get to take a plus one which when you math it out is 38 people(!!!!) for a five day stay in a sunny arizona resort and also see their most beloved singer dancer sesame street titty fest perform at the biggest superbowl ever to be played. I notice a lot of fans of the mediocre jam band phish also dress up and jump through all sorts of hoops (divorcing their spouses, quitting their jobs, missing their children’s births) in order to see their favorite performers who are elderly white men. The most phish does is give you the honor of requesting to buy tickets early (at full price). It’s not guaranteed you will GET a ticket. Let alone a ticket that you want. You pretty much get the honor of giving known drug addict Phish your credit card info and hope that they choose to charge your card at some point two months later with a limited number of tickets. (airfare, hotels, food, drugz not included)

Upon arriving at the phish show, you begin to wonder what will happen if the greatest band in the world doesn’t perform your favorite songs. Why would they do that? What does that mean? Perhaps they forgot to have their breakfast? Are they breaking up? Should I dump my gf for a 20 year old blonde nursing student? What about my children? I actually forgot about those non phans.

The real reason Phish did not bother to perform your favorite jam is because they aren’t Katy Perry and they hate their fans. When was the last time Mike Gordon invited you and 37 friends to a five day all expense winter getaway in SUNNY ARIZONA? Has he bought you dinner? Katy Perry will even french braid your hair before the show and whisper secrets about how Taylor Swift is a cat abusing BF thief.

Back to Phish. They definitely think its hilarious that you don’t have any of your own hobbies and you spend 60% of your income to lurk around pathetically in their shadows. Oh, you weren’t impressed with last nights Tweezer jam? I bet it sounds better when you play it on your… oh. Uh, you don’t play any instruments. What was that? you don’t even have a job? Hm. Better get back to blogging with your internet friends about what a disappointment we were last night. We will be cashing our paychecks and not giving a fuck about what you think.

Katy Perry has big boobs, too.
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*dancing to phish songs and tripping on your face during the entire show is not as cool as it can be unless you remember to tweet about it.


Book On Tape Review: The Cat Who Could Read Backwards by Lillian Jackson Braun


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You know how you’re always a bit let down at the end of Murder, She Wrote but at least you only wasted 42 minutes waiting for the convoluted ending? Well, that’s how I felt at the end of this book, except it took six something hours of listening. Read the rest of this entry »


Here’s What I Wish My Food Pics Looked Like


Remember when I was weighing my takeout and taking awful dark photos of it on my iphone all the time?

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Or when I was obsessed with raw meat?

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My friend Nina has a slightly erotically titled food blog Heavenly Spread and she takes actual pretty photos involving raw meat.

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Yummers I want to eat these after they are cooked. The photo above is of Georgian Tolmas. Nina is from Georgia so she has great hair which is thick and healthy and looks great naturally poofy or sleek and styled. She also helps me with my many photo and technical questions because I am an internetard.

In case for some reason you’re not into meat photos, Nina takes pretty pics of all sorts of food. Here’s some strawberry shortcake which is appetizing to everyone unless they are a vegan or have some weird issue with strawberries.

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She also includes recipes in case you want to try any of her meals yourself.

 


My Visit to Greece


This week  2 months ago I had a new adventure called going to the west side of Rochester and checking out their Wegmans. First of all, the Mt. Read Wegmans has zero vegetables. I mean, they have some, but only the kind that hardly count like lettuce. I didn’t notice any kale while I scowled at everything.
On my first trip there, I parked on the side of the building since I was only going to the prepared food section and then commencing a high powered business meeting. Well I was very surprised to find out that even though there were signs for the Market Cafe on the side of the building, this inferior Wegmans only has one door unlike the perfect and glowing Pittsford Wegmans which has all the doors you can dream of. The other great thing about not-Mt. Read Wegmans locations is that they have green juice which is full of nutrients which they don’t care about in Greece. You can hardly even buy water. Also they have the coffee cups on lockdown because Greece residents are obviously big coffee shoplifters. It’s sad.
Problem 2. The prepared food bar had no vegetables and I wanted roasted vegetables which I have grown accustomed to having on demand. Dear Greece, NY, did you know that everyone can eat vegetables, not just vegetarians? The only thing you can eat in Greece is chicken. They had a chicken wing bar. They had asian food that was all chicken. Even the egg rolls and samosas were meaty meaty meaty.
Problem 17. Fake fur coats. Not even nice and cool fake fur. Just trashy cheap fake fur for poor fats. I want real fur coats when I’m grocery shopping. To accompany the tattered leopard print were sweatpants. People were wearing normal tops and then sweatpants. And gold chains.I don’t believe anyone owns real pants in Rochester.
The biggest mystery of all was the girl in the mesh shirt. Pretty much the mystery was that someone was wearing a mesh blouse. This was not her only questionable choice. She was also eating chicken wings with a man. Later she moved to another table and had some chinese food. Everyone was hanging out eating chicken. So much chicken. I also learned that families have Sunday dinner at Wegmans and going to Applebee’s is a special occasion restaurant.


Sugar Mountain Bake Shoppe


Saturday evening after a hard day of astro-blogging, my business partner and I decided to reward ourselves with some cupcakes. Well, we didn’t particularly want cupcakes, but at 9pm there are not many options. We went to the only place in Rochester open after 9 besides Wegmans – Sugar Mountain Bake Shoppe. I specifically know they are open past 9 because we sat in their parking lot reading about how they are open till 11 and what that day’s flavors were. Sugar Mountain is  a place filled with dolls and hats and  feathers and a man. When we got there, it was completely dark. This was mega confusing, so I drove around for a while and ended up back at the closed bakery. We walked up to the door. And guess what we found??????? A sign that said they sold out of cupcakes.  This happens pretty much every night to every cupcake dispensary in Rochester, NY. I am not an economist, but I thought if you consistently run out of your product you’d increase production? IDK.

(side note: I hate cupcakes)

After this devastation, we drove around and looked at an Italian restaurant that possibly had desserts. Then I remembered the reason I was going to the terrifying cupcake place to begin with was because I’d had a chemical peel earlier and my face was super shiny and I was wearing a really stupid outfit and sneakers and also my hair may have looked weird.

We finally found a frozen yogurt place and it was not very good and was way too expensive for fake ice cream. After that some private breakthroughs were made so it was a sugar fail, but a universe success.

Conclusion: I had 4 pimples yesterday morning and today they are all gone thanks to the qualified staff at Q Medical Spa.